If you’re female, you’ve probably had guys ask you why you have so much crap in your closet, half of which you never wear. I wondered the same thing as I prepared an entire – I shit you not – IKEA bag of clothes to donate, some of which I’ve worn once. This afternoon, however, I finally felt like I had come closer to solving this great mystery of female “overshopping”.
What I was looking for online was simple enough: a three-quarter sleeve, A-line hem, empire waist, V-neck jersey dress. Preferably in black, no sequins or beading, full back cover. I mean, this is fairly standard fare as far as I’m concerned. Three weeks of offline shopping turned into three weeks of absolute despair, and I turned to the interwebs to try to make this happen.
Let me specify that I had no budget. I mean, I had a “budget”, but it was fluid and I was happy to do anything from Forever21 to Net-a-porter, really. Sixteen (16) sites later, I was able to piece together the following trends this season:
1. Everything has to be covered in sequins.
2. You are not allowed to wear a dress during Fall/Winter 2011 unless you have absolutely no curves and are a size 00. Throughout. With legs resembling those of a baby giraffe. This shift sheath dress shit is driving me mad. (Try saying that five times fast.)
3. Unless you are a size 00 baby giraffe, your only other options are a) wedding dresses and b) prom dresses. If you happen to be a single non-baby-giraffe woman over the age of 16, you need to realize that you will not be able to purchase a dress this season. Such is life.
And here’s the conclusion I’ve come to: the reason we have so much crap in our closets is because it’s a trillion times harder to conform to the standards of occasion-specific attire that we as a gender have absorbed subconsciously. Because if you’re a guy, you can wear the same suit to work that you do for poker and cigars with the boys later that night. If you’re a woman and you’re wearing your work suit to happy hour without any additional bling/higher heels/etc., you’re clearly a frigid workaholic bitch with 17 cats and a bit of an S&M fetish.
Let me take this one step further. Let’s picture date night involving a nice restaurant. Let’s say it’s sometime in the fall or spring, because summer is somewhat easier to deal with in this regard.
Guy: trousers, shirt, tie (optional), jacket, loafers. You people already own all of this.
Girl: What kind of a restaurant is it? What’s the median price for a cocktail? Is it blingy? Is it more relaxed? Is the crowd older? Is it more conservative? Is the maitre d’ really French? Would pearls be too much or not enough? Is this dress too short? Is there such a thing as too much cleavage? Is jersey too casual of a fabric? Do I need a structured sheath? Is a chunky heel too much? What if they’re Prada? Is it going to be cold? Do I need a throw? How do I wear a throw without looking matronly? Do I need a new coat to go with this dress? Is it a bolero type of restaurant or a cardigan type of restaurant? The most puzzling piece of this logistical nightmare: how the fuck do you deal with wearing tights and subsequently shedding them gracefully?! Is there a way to gracefully shed tights? WHO INVENTED TIGHTS AND ARE THEY STILL ALIVE SO I CAN KILL THEM?
Most importantly… *ahem* can this dress be taken off with relative ease? Because that scene in The Thomas Crown Affair where Rene Russo drops her gown – yeah, they lied, shit doesn’t go down that way.
And that, my friends, is why we have closets packed full of crap we’ve worn once and you boys have all your identical trousers hung nicely in a row like Johnny fucking Cash.
